Inclusive Leadership — coming home to self

Reading an interview with Tracy Cochran on her book Presence: the Art of Being Home in Yourself, I came across a quote that ties into my recent article on finding the small. Zen Master Kusan Sunim once asked, “What’s awakening?” Followed by a simple, thought-provoking response: “Small moments. Short moments. Many, many times.”

Cochran explores this notion further by asking if we can remain present when faced with difficulty.

I’ve extended this question in my own practice:

Can we stay present when speaking with someone we disagree with, whether about politics or deeply held value, or even when we struggle to understand them?

Can we resist the urge to refute and instead practice generative listening?

That is listening and not responding but hearing to absorb without judgement or commentary.

To me, listening is a critical capability, one that requires conscious effort and daily practice. It’s deceptively simple and yet incredibly challenging. In daily interactions whether on a crowded train, at a family gathering, or in a workplace meeting, I’ve observed the jostling for airtime, the interruptions, or the need to form a response before the speaker has even finished their sentence.

In these moments, listening is lost.

Contrast this with my experiences in Japan, where silence is not treated as an awkward gap to fill but as an intentional pause, a space where thoughts unfold. This cultural reverence for silence reminds me of anthropologist Edward T. Hall’s observation that while Americans often rush to fill silences, Native Americans embrace them as integral to meaningful connection. Hall’s first book, The Silent Language was published in 1959, imagine if we listened to Hall. We wouldn’t be having this conversation now and we’d be more inclusive of others.

I’m curious have we, in many cultures, unconsciously learned to undervalue listening and paying attention to small moments? And can we unlearn these hurried, often unempathetic habits? The answer lies in a deliberate practice of paying attention. Generative listening, coupled with stopping to notice the small moments, uncovers insights and stories that connect us. What I mean is when someone listens to us and gives their full attention we feel valued. It is a rare and unforgettable experience that stays with our memory muscle. This lesson, once felt, has the power to change the way we engage and connect.

As I ramble on about listening, it’s not just about listening, it’s about pausing to notice and value the small moments. Those moments of stillness and attention allow us to see what goes unnoticed: emotions, unspoken needs, or opportunities to connect. Paying attention in this way enriches our understanding of others and allows us to deepen our sense of meaning and connection.

As I read this, I’m thinking, “Yeah, right, it’s easy to say, ‘Be present’ or ‘Value small moments,’ (and yes I’m guilty of saying the same to many clients.)

But how do you actually do it?

One suggestion I’ve used with leaders I’m coaching

— — — — The 2 Minute Pause — — — — — — -

and tell me, who doesn’t have 2 minutes in their day to stop and think?

Take a 2-minute pause at any time of your day.

In conversation: pause.

After a conversation: pause.

At the top of each hour: pause.

(That’s 6 minutes out of an 8 or more hour work day)

And at the end of the day, pause again but this time ask yourself a question: “What was my impact today? Does this align with who I want to be as a leader?”

These disciplined pauses build self-awareness and awareness of others. Over time, we begin to notice and appreciate the moments, no matter how small, that matter.

Another strategy for practicing empathy during conversations is to pause and ask yourself, What is this person feeling beneath their words? What am I noticing about their tone, pace, or body language?

These questions shift your focus away from yourself and toward the other person, anchoring you in the present moment. They help you tune into subtle cues in interactions increasing your social sensitivity. These nuances can broaden your understanding of the person and the conversation.

This practice is not only foundational for inclusion but is also at the heart of my research and writing. In my upcoming book, Coaching Inclusion, I explore how generative listening and pausing to observe non-verbal cues form the basis of coaching for inclusion. It’s through both listening and stretching our empathy muscle that we connect, grow, and create space for others to do the same. By giving someone our full attention and pausing to value the small moments, we not only honor their story but also open the door to our own transformation.

These small acts have the potential to spark meaningful change and with practice become second nature.